


ULTRON WHAT ARE YOU DOING

by dytabytes



Category: Avengers (Comic), Marvel 616
Genre: Capslock, Gen, capslock fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 08:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dytabytes/pseuds/dytabytes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IN WHICH ULTRON HAS A HOOKAH AND HANK PYM DOES NOT APPROVE BUT ULTRON IS ALL "FUCK YOU DAD".</p>
            </blockquote>





	ULTRON WHAT ARE YOU DOING

**Author's Note:**

> I WROTE CAPSLOCK FIC. IT IS HORRIBLE AND THERE IS DISCUSSION OF PENISES AND INCEST IF ULTRON/WASP IS INCEST. I STILL DON'T REALLY KNOW IF IT IS.

ONE DAY, HANK PYM WALKS OUT OF HIS LAB.

THAT IN ITSELF IS QUITE A PHENOMENON, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HANK PYM IS USING HIS WORK TO MAKE HIMSELF FORGET THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF STUDYING ANTS AND FRAGMENTARY PARTICLES.

(OH HANK, YOUR PENIS FEELS SO NEGLECTED RIGHT NOW.)

(BUT PLEASE DON'T DIP IT IN THE ANTS AGAIN. THAT'S JUST WRONG.)

STILL, AS HE WALKS OUT OF HIS LAB, HANK SMELLS SOMETHING STRANGE. NOT A GOOD STRANGE LIKE OZONE OR COMBUSTION BUT SOMETHING VAGUELY MUSTY AND PLANTISH.

IT REMINDS HANK OF HIS UNDERGRADUATE DEGREE AND HIS TIME IN RESIDENCE.

(OH THOSE HORRIBLE DAYS FULL OF IDIOTS WHO COULDN'T UNDERSTAND MORE THAN THREE GREEK LETTERS. HE HATED THOSE DAYS.)

OOOOOH SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET A TALKING TO NOW.

HANK STRIDES PURPOSEFULLY INTO ULTRON'S ROOM. (HE CAN DO THAT NOW THAT HE HAS A FLIPPY LABCOAT. THAT'S THE PURPOSE OF THE COAT, YOU SEE: AESTHETICS.)

(BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE WEARING A SUIT MADE OF UNSTABLE MOLECULES, ALL THE OTHER LAYERS ARE JUST FOR VANITY AND FOR KEEPING REED RICHARDS FROM SMACKING YOUR ASS ALL THE TIME.)

ANYWAY.

ULTRON IS IN HIS ROOM WITH A HOOKAH. HOW HE IS SMOKING THE HOOKAH WITHOUT ANY LUNGS IS A MYSTERY BUT HE HAS IT AND THERE IS SMOKE SO.

SOMEHOW, HE IS DOING THIS.

HANK FROWNS AND MAKES HIS BEST ANGRY PARENT FACE LIKE IT TOLD HIM TO IN "HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR REBELLIOUS TEENAGE CHILD FOR DUMMIES". HE FOCUSSES ESPECIALLY ON CREASING HIS EYEBROWS. EYEBROWS ARE IMPORTANT IN HUMAN FACIAL EXPRESSION.

"ULTRON."

UNFORTUNATELY, ULTRON ONLY HAS ONE NAME, WHICH MAKES STATING HIS FULL NAME LESS IMPACTFUL THAN IT SHOULD BE. OH WELL, HANK WILL PUT MORE WEIGHT BEHIND THE OTHER STEPS OUTLINED IN THE BOOK.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING." THEN HE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE AND ADDS, "AND WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT IN YOUR FACE PLATE. IS THAT A GROWTH."

SAYING QUESTIONS AS STATEMENTS IS ALWAYS A SUCCESSFUL ACTION.

"IT IS A LABRET AND I DID IT MYSELF AND FUCK YOU DAD I SHALL MAKE MY OWN LIFE CHOICES."

WHEN YOUR CHILD IS ACTUALLY A SENTIENT BEING WITH AN AMAZINGLY HIGH IQ, YOU SHOULDN'T BE READING BOOKS TO LEARN ABOUT PARENTING THEM OOPS.

"THAT IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE, YOUNG MAN. I KNOW I GAVE YOU A BIGGER VOCABULARY."

"WHATEVER. MY WORDCHOICES ARE MY OWN AND THAT INCLUDES SLANG. I AM MY OWN ROBOT NOW."

"WHILE YOU ARE LIVING UNDER MY ROOF, YOU WILL FOLLOW MY RULES."

"HAHAHA NO. NOW GO AWAY AND LET ME FINISH WITH THIS."

AND THEN ULTRON IGNORED HANK IN FAVOUR OF HIS HOOKAH.

"WHAT DID I DO WRONG AS A PARENT. WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A DIFFICULT CHILD."

"SHUT UP. YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER! I AM A ROBOT. I WAS NEVER A CHILD. AND ANYWAY NO PROPER CHILD WANTS TO BANG HIS MOM. THAT IS ONLY COMMON SENSE"

"FOR ONE, YOU HAVE NO GENITALS BECAUSE YOU ARE A ROBOT. FOR ANOTHER STOP CALLING JANET YOUR MOTHER. YOU KNOW THAT MAKES HER UNCOMFORTABLE."

"FUCK YOU. MY LACK OF GENITALIA IS SOLELY YOUR FAULT AND JANET IS YOUR WIFE AND YOU ARE MY CREATOR WHICH MAKES HER MY MOTHER. EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE THE WORLD'S WORST HUSBAND EVER, BY THE WAY. WITH YOUR HABITS, I AM NOT SURPRISED SHE LEFT YOU."

"IT WAS ONE TIME!"

"IF YOU ONLY EVER PLUGGED YOUR JACK INTO THE ANT FARM ONCE, THEN I AM A MONKEY. AND I AM NOT MONKEY."

"AT LEAST JANET LIKES ME."

"OH THAT IS VERY MATURE. YOU ARE BEING VERY MATURE _DAD_."

HANK CAN FEEL THE VEINS IN HIS HEAD PULSING. THIS IS NOT GOING LIKE THE BOOK SAID IT WOULD. HE IS IN NO MOOD FOR CONCILLIATORY HUGS.

TIME TO GO FOR AN OLD-TIME CLASSIC.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. GO TO YOUR ROOM."

"I'M ALREADY IN MY ROOM, MORON."

"WELL STAY THERE."

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

HANK SLAMS THE DOOR BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER AND THEN HE STORMS RIGHT BACK INTO HIS LAB BECAUSE HIS ANTS NEVER FAIL HIM.

OOOOOH HALLIDAE OOOOOOOOH.

MEANWHILE ULTRON SITS IN HIS ROOM AND PLAYS LOUD MUSIC AND SUCKS ON THE HOOKAH.

"WAIT, MY INORGANIC SYSTEMS CANNOT PROCESS CANNABINOIDS."

HE STARED DOWN AT THE HOOKAH. THEN HE THREW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW.

"FUCK THAT NOISE. I AM GOING TO GO DESIGN MYSELF A FUNCTIONING SET OF GENITALIA."

AND INDEED, HIS COCK WAS MAGNIFICENT.

 **THE END**


End file.
